Happy New Year
Apologies for the slow start to my admin. I have started the year in Portugal, making my way slowly and steadily along the southern coast reflecting on 2025 and considering 2026. It has been a simple trip on foot, bike, public transport and staying in hostels. I have enjoyed the sense of community and solitude combined. Sharing sleeping quarters in humbling. Snoring is very, very common and unfortunate - next time I do this, I shall bring good quality earplugs!
New years often bring with them the culture of new ideas, new beginnings, new habits. An odd time to find energy for renewal in mid-winter time. It would seasonally make a lot more sense to bring new beginnings in with the spring. So, if you're feeling rather un-motivated, forgive yourself, your body is likely feeling more like withdrawing than creating. Here I am going to take some time to reflect on changing habits. I am not an expert but, I can confidently say I have dropped quite a few of the tough ones over the years. I am no stranger to compulsive, harmful behaviours and I know all the ways that I have tried not to take responsibility. I know how to miss the goal and I know how to achieve it. I understand that behaviour is something to be cultivated and things in this life take time despite all the noise that come from the media; promises quick fixes and ‘new yous’. I know how to numb, I know when it is okay to healthily take a break without totally checking out. I sometimes get lost. So, with all that in mind I write to you as a reformed perfectionist and as a human who was once defined by self-harm and is now defined by self-care. I write to you not from my high horse but, standing right next to you. I am human. I am flawed, I am always changing and I am always learning. At times I think this is the joy of life. Other times (usually when I am tired, the sky has been grey for week or I am ill) I think life is a complete slog and when do you just get to stop having to pay attention and can someone else come and take the reigns please!
With the idea of new habits, there is some wisdom and compassion that I would like to share here. There is a lot of absolute nonsense out there in the world and there are a lot of people wanting to sell you something. I write to you here with no wish of a booking, and I am not going to encourage you to spend any money. I am here to tell you that to make changes in your life, from my experience, you first really have to want the change. Truthfully you are ready and willing to imagine something new for yourself (however big or small) and you are willing to support whatever it is you wish for. Second of all when it comes to new habits or life changes - know why you want something. It is rarely going to be a good starting point if you're springing off from the negative. Most new year's resolutions are to do with health or financial goals. Ideas such as: I want to save money, I want to be healthy. I recommend finding the why behind the goal, and take note, literally, write it down. The why needs to be clear so that whenever your sneaky mind tries to sway you to make a decision that goes against your goal, you can remind it of your why and the misalignment of behaviour will likely be more noticeable.
For example: “I want to stop biting my nails” You go to bite your nails, you say ‘stop it’, rebel in your brain…..goes ahead.
Why? I want to take care of myself, honour my wonderful fingers that literally make interacting with the world possible. “I want to take care of my nails” You go to bite you nails, you say, “I want to take care of my nails” as your hand reaches your mouth. Rebel brain thinks….you want to take care of you nails and they’re wonderful, ah so, if I bite them I am going against what I want….pause….hand goes down. Sense of satisfaction.
Example 2: “I want to stop wasting money” You go to buy another jumper on Vinted that you don’t need, even though it’s only £4 you know this stacks up. Why do you want to stop wasting money? “I want to go on holiday this year” You go to buy the jumper…brain says… I want to go on holiday this year. Rebel brain hovers on the mouse… Oh, is this jumper going to help my holiday? No…pause….resist the jumper, put £4 in the holiday fun. Sense of satisfaction.
Do you see what I mean?
Changing habits doesn’t happen in an instant. We are creatures of habit, many of us choose the path of least resistance especially in and amongst our demanding and busy lives. I like to imagine our brain as terrain with ‘footpaths’. Some are well trodden and we know where to go. Some footpaths are clearly signposted but, never walked. We aren’t sure how long it will go on for, we don’t know if we will need special shoes, will we need to take a snack…..etc……..Well when the footpath you always walk become tiresome and uninspiring because it take you to the same bench on the same old hill and you really don’t want to be there anymore because you crave something different, it is time to get brave. Here is where a big dose of self-compassion, self hand-holding and kindness comes into play. I think to change your ways you will have to navigate unknown territory (new ways of being/behaviours) and that actually takes a lot of courage. So, be kind to yourself. If you need to walk that well trodden footpath a few more times then do, and when you’re ready say thank you and goodbye. Forget all the fear and hold you hand and turn towards a new direction. Say to yourself, I am proud of you, this is going to take some serious courage but, you are brave, you’re competent and you can do it. Whatever you are trying to achieve, this is a great start. There will be little voices in your head all fighting for your attention, the voices spurring you on, and then there are all the doubters and the haters who come running towards the new path telling you all the reasons not to change a THING! They all have your best interests at heart, they want to protect you but, some of them might not be up-to-date with your current interests and they are getting in your way which is not what they actually want to do. They want what is best for you so, its your job to let them know, they’re actually doing the opposite. They are limiting you.
Inside we are just little kids working it all out playing adults. Judgement, cruelty and shame limit us and prevent us from thriving. Those doubters and haters with their worries and fears need some reassurance. Tell them they can take a break, give them a cup of something warm and let them know they’re not forgotten, they’re just not needed right now.
I haven’t made this thinking up! Well I have made up the metaphor but, you can choose whatever landscape of your brain you want choose. I recommend noticing your thoughts though, recognising the characters - the bold one, the nervous one, the cynical one, the kind one, the grumpy one, the lazy one. Like the Seven Dawfs in Snow White if you like! We ALL have ALL the parts. If you are of sound mental health you are lucky to have the choice as to which ones you choose to utilise and when. No need to banish any of them. Just let them be there, witness them all, make friends with them all. It is a life’s work in my opinion!!
If you’re interested in my thinking have a read:
On making mistakes:
“The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are - Book by Brené Brown
On the different ‘parts’ of the self and how they came to be:
“No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model” - Book by Richard C. Schwartz
How to set boundaries on honour your self and others:
“Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself” - Book by Nedra Glover Tawwab
For affirmations
“You Can Heal Your Life” - Book by Louise Hay
NLP Thinking - Practical guide to rewiring your thinking processes:
Change Your Life with NLP: The Powerful Way to Make Your Whole Life Better - Book by Agness Lindsey
I also recommend checking your thought processes and, where possible, gently move away from categorising your behaviours and decisions as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. It is okay to experiment with life. Respond to what works, drop what doesn’t because, you know less than you think. Here I draw on the wisdom of Alan Watts and his story taken from Taoist philosophy of the Chinese Farmer that shows that when we go beyond binary thinking we open up and accept the world of possibilities free of judgement.
The Chinese Farmer:
Once upon a time there was a Chinese farmer whose horse ran away. That evening, all of his neighbours came around to commiserate. They said, “We are so sorry to hear your horse has run away. This is most unfortunate.” The farmer said, “Maybe.”
The next day the horse came back bringing seven wild horses with it, and in the evening everybody came back and said, “Oh, isn’t that lucky. What a great turn of events. You now have eight horses!” The farmer again said, “Maybe.”
The following day his son tried to break one of the horses, and while riding it, he was thrown and broke his leg. The neighbours then said, “Oh dear, that’s too bad,” and the farmer responded, “Maybe.”
The next day the conscription officers came around to conscript people into the army, and they rejected his son because he had a broken leg. Again all the neighbours came around and said, “Isn’t that great!” Again, he said, “Maybe.”
Good fortune, bad fortune - who knows? Special thanks to a dear friend sharing this story.
“The whole process of nature is an integrated process of immense complexity, and it’s really impossible to tell whether anything that happens in it is good or bad — because you never know what will be the consequence of the misfortune; or, you never know what will be the consequences of good fortune.” – Alan Watts
Good luck moving into the year ahead, free from harsh criticism and with playful curiosity where possible. There will be highs, there will be lows and there will be the very mundane in the middle.
